My Boys Are Kicking Me Out. Yay!!

My husband pulled off one of the biggest and kindest surprises of our entire 25 year relationship!

In the midst of all of our family gathered around the tree exchanging gifts, Scott and Sam handed me a package. I slowly peeled back the paper and found a gift basket inside.  I was confused by the note.

I explored the goodies in the basket and found a gift card for a nice dinner, a gift card for a pedicure, a new pair of my favorite slippers, a book, a bottle of one of my favorite wines, and a receipt for a hotel room with a jacuzzi.

As I looked at my boys, still a little confused, they explained that I would be going by myself.

BY MYSELF. Did you get that? Do you understand what that means?

You see, Ella turns 2 on January 7th. She has been a horrible sleeper, with uninterrupted nights being few and far between. And I stay exhausted. But on January 2, a day after I turn 44 (gasp!), my boys are sending me away to be by myself.

To rest. To read. To relax. To recharge.

To be me. Not a mama. Not a wife. Just me.

I'm getting a little teary eyed right now just thinking about it.

This is just something I would never do for myself. My boys will have their hands full taking care of Ella, putting her to bed (I hope she stays asleep!) and getting ready for school the next morning. So I appreciate and am forever grateful for their sacrifices to make this amazing experience happen!

So, here's my prediction. While I am soaking in the blissfulness of being alone for about 30 hours and master of my time, I think I'll be miserable if my boys are not constantly texting me and sending me pictures of all that I'm missing.

This is Exactly Why I Quit Sleeping in the Nude

Well! It's about 5 o'clock in the morning and it has already been a long day!

Scott left for Indiana yesterday so Sam and I got to snuggle together in my bed last night. I was thrilled to be able to go to bed very early! I was not so thrilled to be ripped from my slumber at 2:30 by my alarm disarming itself.

I immediately jumped up and grabbed the remote to turn the alarm off because my first thought was that one of the dogs had gotten out of her kennel again. That's happened before when the latch didn't quite catch. But then I realized that the alarm had not actually gone off as if it had detected one of the dogs walking around. Rather, it had actually been beeping as it does when we come home and open the door.

Great. Someone is in the house and I turned the flippin' alarm off. I waited just a second and tried to turn it back on with the remote. Not a chance. The door was still open. I really wasn't sure what to do.

I tiptoed to the top of the stairs and listened for a long time. I heard the slightest little noise. I was convinced someone was in the house. I pictured him standing as still as I was waiting to see what was going to happen. So here I am, standing at the top of the stairs, wondering exactly what I was expecting me and my big 'ole pregnant belly to do. I hesitated to push the silent alarm button on the remote because that would trigger the alarm company calling Scott in Indiana. I can't even imagine how freaked out he'd be waking up to take THAT call! So I tiptoed back to my room, closed and locked both doors and called 911.

The dispatcher asked if I had access to a weapon. I told him I thought I had a golf club close at hand and I guess I could beat the crap out of someone if needed. But I couldn't find it anywhere. The only thing I could find was a marimba bar. I wasn't even about to try to explain this to the dispatcher. I just told him I had something I could use. Then I stood in the middle of my room rolling my eyes at how ridiculous I must look armed with a marimba bar.

An officer showed up very quickly (good to know). I could see a flashlight shining all around the yard. At this point, Sam woke up. I was trying not to alarm him, trying to figure out what to say. Luckily, he didn't seem upset at all when I told him everything was okay and I would tell him what was going on in just a minute. It was also at this point that I realized I could have unleashed the hounds and they would have told me if someone was downstairs or not.

The dispatcher told me that all was clear and I could go downstairs to meet the officer. I let him in and asked him to check around inside. It was then that I realized I was only wearing my tank top and underwear. Oh well. Not really a priority as I led him around the downstairs searching for the intruder.

Of course, there was no intruder. Thank God!!! It turns out the door to the garage, the very door I was sure I had locked,  had somehow opened just a little. The officer and I were confident that no one had opened it and that the house and garage were clear.

So I went back to bed and drifted back to sleep quickly.

Pfft! In my dreams! First of all, try turning my ADD brain off anytime I'm woken up during the night. Secondly, I had not been back in bed ten minutes before I hear Sam whisper "Mom, please get me the wastebasket." Nothing happened and he had no fever. Whew! Perhaps I'll get back to sleep after all!

But once the the excitement was over and I was snuggled back under my blankets, all I could think about was how dirty my house was and what the officer must have been thinking and how I was glad I had quit sleeping naked once Sam was born and how much school work I could probably get done if I got up now...

So, yeah. it's been a long day.

Birthdays and Blooms

Today is Sam's 7th birthday.

I still marvel at the fact that God blessed us with this amazing child. I don't get sad anymore that another year has passed or that he's growing up too fast (even though he is!) because now I look forward to how much cooler he'll be this year.  Every year just seems to get better and better!

Today was also the day that Adam was going to be joining us.  

Not only was he due today, but my amazing OB was going to make an exception to the no surgery on Sunday policy and perform my c-section so that we could deliver Adam on Sam's birthday. That's what Sam wanted.

So, in honor of my boys, and thanks to several special friends, we are planting three trees today. 

My college roommate sent me a beautiful Magnolia tree that arrived on my doorstep about a week ago.

A group of special teachers that I work with gave us a giftcard to a local nursery.  We decided to buy a Dogwood tree hoping it would be in bloom around the boys' special day.

And Scott and I decided to honor Sam buy also planting a Dogwood tree, just like Adam's.

I've kept an eye on Adam's tree, looking for signs of the first blooms.  And what do you know! In God's always most perfect timing, today I found these:

Partial Release

I haven't cried since last Thursday morning when we confirmed that Adam's mighty heart had indeed stopped beating.  And that was but a brief cry before being admitted into labor and delivery.

About 30 minutes ago, Scott came to me and told me that Sam had just taken our memory bag upstairs.  He overheard Sam take Adam's tiny hat and tiny diaper that I made out of the bag and tell his buddy "I can't believe my mom did all that and the baby still died."

And I cried.  

I cried for my son.  I cried for all the pain that he doesn't understand nor know how to process.

I cried just a little so I could be strong for him.

And about 15 minutes ago, the funeral home delivered Adam's ashes. Scott, Sam and I were given two little boxes.  

The funeral home gave us a plain white box with ashes that we'll scatter into the ocean when we return to Topsail Island this summer.  Topsail Island...where this journey began.  Topsail Island...that was my husband's beautiful, perfect idea. 

We were also given a sweet little urn with a small amount of ashes especially for Sam.  When I explained to Sam about cremation and our plans, he asked if he could keep just a small bit of the baby's ashes.  

I'm telling you, that child has always been wiser beyond his years.

 

As we finished up with the funeral director, Sam asked to see the ashes.  We opened up the white box and pulled out a little bag filled with all that is left of my beautiful baby boy. Well, all except Sam's small token.  Sam regarded the bag for just a moment and then slowly walked away without a word.

And again I cried.

But this time I cried for me.  

All I've been thinking about as I've looked at Adam's pictures over the last few days is one, heartbreaking thing. For as long as I held him and talked to him and tried to lock in every last detail so as not to be forgotten, I wish I had held him longer. He was beautiful. He was peaceful. He was mine.  He had the cutest little lip hiding the sweetest little tongue.  I couldn't stop smiling and marveling at my child and loving him and telling him all about his family and thanking him for watching over us as he walked with God. And it took every fiber of strength I had to pass him back to the loving arms of the nurse.

Letting go of him was hard because I knew the next time I'd see him, it would be in a little white box. 

Sam's First Piano Recital

Yesterday was Sam's very first piano recital!  And I had no idea how exciting the day would be!  On Saturday we went shopping for a new outfit and I swear he looked just like Scott when he was all dressed up and ready to play! He just took my breath away!

And for our families, and anyone else interested, here's the short video: