Why NOT me?

I have probably talked about it here before, but I am not nor have I ever been a “Why me?” sort of person.  I just don’t have that feeling in my heart.  If I had the energy right now, I’d scan a comic strip that I clipped in high school to share with you.  It’s one of those B.C. comic strips with one of the characters looking up asking “Why me?” and God (or whomever) replying “Why not you?”  And that is just simply how I choose to live my life. 

Even on a day like today.  A disappointing, heartbreaking day.

I had surgery this morning to retrieve eggs for another IVF.  The morning went well.  I can’t tell you how much I was looking forward to the anesthesia!  I like a good 20 minute nap and my hopes were that I would wake up and that stupid knot would be gone from my back.  It was!  But, when I woke up, I also learned that they were only able to retrieve two eggs.  That was not good news!  So when the nurse called a few hours later, I could only laugh a little when she regrettfully informed me that those two eggs didn’t fertilize.

So, folks, the train stops there. I won’t start injections and medications tomorrow like I expected.  I’m left exhausted and mildly crampy.  I did however get to drink a Coke!  Yay!  Didn’t think I’d have another Coke for a long time.

I’m sad, of course, but I know that there must be a purpose.

My heart is breaking for my husband, and for my son, and for my family.

Right now, I just want to love my husband and cuddle my son more tightly than ever. And sleep.  And cry a little. And as soon as I get off the painkillers, have a mojito.

Thank you for all the prayers that have lifted us up today.  I have felt the hugs across all the miles!  I have had my friends with me all day through texts!  And, when I have answers, you’ll have them.

Becoming the Mother I Want to Be Part 3

Part 1  is here.

Part 2 is here.

So, I guess the kind of mother I want to be is more about quantity than quality.  I’m perfectly happy with the quality of myself as a mother.  Hopefully, this will be the year that we add to our family.  Sam wants a baby and we don’t want the burden of our old age to fall on Sam’s shoulders.  And of course there are other reasons, too.  One being, I’ve always dreamed of being the mother of a whole gang of boys!

So we find ourselves attempting another IVF cycle.

Tomorrow actually. 

Just to catch you up to speed and to document the process for myself, since February 9th, I have given myself 37 injections of three different medications in my belly and endured one shot in the hip to trigger the magic for tomorrow.  Scott and I have both been on an antibiotic since then as well.  I have had my blood drawn 7 times and have had 7 internal ultrasounds. Yes, friends, internal. I’ve become very familiar with all those eggs growing in my lower belly.  Sam even got to see them all!  He’s pretty excited.

So, hopefully, tomorrow will be a very fruitful day!

Emotionally, I’ve only had one bad day.  Friday I was just weary. 

Weary from all the shots.

Weary from the daily ultrasounds and blood draws.

Weary that many of the other women going through this cycle were a few days ahead of me and that my eggs were taking their own sweet time. 

I found out the next day, though, that my doctor was intentionally making me go slow.  With Sam’s IVF, I developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I was carrying two grapfruits around!  So, we’re taking it slow. Whew! 

I got the good news Saturday afternoon that I could go ahead and take the trigger shot Saturday night.  The trigger shot is what tells the follicles to loosen up so that on Monday morning, we can retrieve the eggs.  Yippy!  It was so good to finally know exactly which day I’d be heading into surgery!

So here I am, Sunday night.  I’ve been trying to take it easy today.  My lower belly feels huge and I’m a little uncomfortable but nothing like last time.  We’ll head into surgery tomorrow around 9.  I’ll be put under for about 20 minutes then I get to head home and park myself on the couch for the rest of the day!

It has been a long journey already and we’re not nearly done.  I’ll keep you updated from here on out so that you can take this journey with me.  Don’t worry, I’ll be keeping all the injections to myself! You should be thankful.  The next 12 weeks or so will (hopefully) bring twice daily injections to my hips.  Oh, yay.

All this, though, is totally worth it if it helps me become the mother I want to be!

Becoming the Mother I Want to Be Part 2

You can find Part 1 here.

So, exactly what kind of mom do I want to be this year?  First, let me give you a little history, OUR story.  I’ll try to be brief.

Scott and I met and fell in love our freshman year of college.  We dated for 5 years and even moved to Chicago before ever getting married.  A good friend passed on the “be married a few year before starting a family” advice and we did just that.  So after about 5 years, while living in Kansas, we started trying to have a baby.  My two best friends and I started at the same time.  Kinda like one of those high school girl pacts you hear about.  Not really.

Anyway, five years and 3 (possibly 4) miscarriages later, we finally sought help for infertility.  Our first IVF (in-vitro fertilization) gave us Sam.  Remember his first picture?

It turns out that getting pregnant is actually really, really hard.  And for us, really expensive!  (As an aside, I will never forget the friends episode where Pheobe’s brother says “Just get drunk!  It worked for a bunch of girls in my high school.” LOL!!)  Oh, if is were that easy!  It is a freakin’ miracle anytime life begins and don’t ever think for a moment that it is anything less.

I would never complain about the five years it took for us to get Sam.  God knew exactly what he was doing and we were incredibly accepting of His will and our journey.  And look what patience brought us!  The most incredible child I could ever imagine!

Fast forward to last fall.  Well, rewind with me for just a moment, then we’ll fast forward to last fall.  When we did IVF 6 years ago,  we retrieved about 18 eggs from my grapefruit sized ovaries (I'm not even kidding!) and about 12 of them fertilized.  Five of those embryos/babies survived to be 5 days old.  On day 5, three embryos were transferred back inside and two were frozen for storage.  (Remember how we started with 18 eggs? Isn’t life fragile?) So, last fall, we thawed our sweet angels out and tried to get pregnant again.  All I could think to pray for was that they survived the thaw.  And they did!  Here they are:

We did not, however, get pregnant.  And again, it’s all part of our journey and our faith is unshaken.

More of our story tomorrow…

Becoming the Mother I Want to Be Part 1

Disclaimer:  No part of this post is in reference to my husband.

If there is one part of my life where I am completely confident, it is my role as Sam’s mother.  I thank God every day for trusting me to raise his special angel.  I feel blessed beyond words and I truly believe that though I am not perfect, I am the perfect mother for Sam.

No one else knows my child like I do.

No one else knows how to be his mother.

No one else could have raised Sam to become the exceptionally cool kid that he is.

I never have to worry about being judged for how I raise my child because there is not one fiber of my being that is the least bit concerned about what others think.  God gave Sam to me and I never doubt God.  (Well, I did once.  It is too hard to attend a funeral for an enfant without doubting him. But I got over it.) And though I clearly do not need the extra vote of confidence, my mother (the best mom in the world) makes me feel like I am the best mom in the world.

So, what kind of mother do I want to become?  More on that tomorrow.

Meanwhile, here are a few photos from our recent trip to the state museum.  Just because…

Totally Worth It!

Three tickets…..$66

Cotton Candy with hat…..$12

Popcorn…..$7

Chocolate Magic Snow Shake…$10

S’more on a Stick…..$5

Coke…..$2.50

Taking my boys to the circus for the first time in both their lives…..Yep! Priceless!

We had a fabulous time at the circus.  Sam loved the trains they would ride around that stage and Scott and I thought the 7 motorcycles in the cage thingy were the coolest thing ever!

Here’s a slideshow of some of my favorite shots:

Afterwards, I tried to get a picture for Sam’s Valentines and this is what he gave me:

I can’t complain!

Sam was so filled up with sugar from today that he didn’t eat any super.  Luckily, he passed out right at bedtime!

Soooo worth it!

Just a Taste

Can’t wait to tell you about all the fun we had today!  I’ll type during the Superbowl tonight, but for now, just a taste!